What Not to Say to Someone Going Through IVF (and Seven Things That Help Instead)

There is a lot of emotional weight surrounding this topic, and I’d like to get a few important caveats out of the way before getting into it: every infertility journey is different, and what feels hurtful to one person may not bother another. Also, this post isn’t intended to make anyone feel guilty for saying the “wrong” thing. In fact, if you’re reading this because you want to support someone you love, you’re already doing something thoughtful.

So…someone you love is going through in vitro fertilization (IVF), and you want to be supportive. You have the best intentions, but sometimes your loved one seems cold and distant when you are only trying to help. Or, you are so fearful of saying the wrong thing that you haven’t said anything at all—and you’re worried they don’t know how much you care. On my own journey through infertility and IVF, these were seven things people said with good intentions that unintentionally made me feel more alone.

“That’s so exciting!”

When I began telling loved ones that we were starting IVF, this common response really threw me off. Of course people mean well when they say this, and they probably are genuinely excited for you because most people assume IVF guarantees a baby. However, I did not feel excited at all—I was incredibly anxious about the impact IVF would have on my body, my mental health, my finances, and my marriage.

What to say instead: “That’s a big step, how are you feeling about it?”

If you truly want to offer support, allow your loved one’s feelings to guide the conversation, rather than making assumptions or defaulting to how you feel about it.

“Have you tried _______?”

I guarantee that anyone choosing to do IVF or other fertility treatments has not made the decision lightly. They have discussed all options with their partner and medical team, and together they have decided this is the best approach. They are probably already carrying complicated feelings about needing medical intervention to build their family, and sharing your old wives’ tales or random methods you read about online are not helpful.

What to say instead: “I wish I could fix it, but I am always here for you.”

Your loved one is probably exhausted from learning about fertility treatments, figuring out how they can afford it and get time off work, and balancing a sense of hope with real statistics. Now is not the time for unsolicited advice; they just need to know that when this other part of their life feels so unstable, you are there to offer steady support.

“You just need to relax!”

…or go on vacation, or stop thinking about it, or anything else along those lines that sounds totally dismissive. Your friend who is seeking IVF or other fertility treatments has a valid medical reason for doing so, and that medical reason cannot be cured simply by “relaxing”. There can be so much guilt surrounding infertility, and telling someone to relax is not only infantilizing, but it makes it seem like they are doing something wrong by just not being “chill” enough.

What to say instead: “Can I treat you to [coffee/lunch/dinner/ice cream]?”

So much of the IVF process involves an incredible amount of waiting. Sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is make that wait more bearable by offering a fun outing or distraction. Don’t be surprised if they aren’t in the mood at first, but they may take you up on it later. During some of the hardest parts of my IVF journey, I actually took a couple trips across the country to visit friends, and it ended up being exactly what I needed.

“Why don’t you just adopt?”

This is a very dismissive way to frame an extremely emotionally and legally complex process. There seems to be a huge misconception that adopting a human baby is as easy as adopting a pet. Like IVF, adoption can be an expensive multi-year process, and does not guarantee your loved one will ever bring home a baby. Even successful adoptions can be traumatic for everyone involved. Adoption and IVF are both valid family-building paths, but they are not interchangeable solutions.

What to say instead: Nothing.

You wouldn’t say this to a loved one who was able to get pregnant without fertility treatments, so you shouldn’t say this to someone who is struggling to do so.

“My _______ was about to start IVF, and then they got pregnant naturally!”

Everyone has a story like this. That’s great news for your friend/cousin/brother’s dog walker. But it’s more than likely that it will not be your loved one’s situation, and it may just feel like another “why not me” slap in the face. Also, keep in mind that some people may be sensitive to the phrase “getting pregnant naturally“, because it implies that even if they are successfully able to conceive through IVF, their pregnancy and their baby aren’t “natural”.

What to say instead: “I’ve heard this journey can be really difficult. Are you comfortable sharing what your next steps are?”

Another common misconception about IVF is that it happens quickly. Saying this will demonstrate that you understand it’s actually a deeply complex multi-step process, while respecting their boundaries if they aren’t ready to share what’s next on their journey.

“[insert any complaint about your own kids]”

This includes any “jokes” about letting them have one of yours, or even complaints about your own pregnancy. It’s not that parents can’t vent; it’s that timing and audience matter. Think of it this way: you wouldn’t complain about the stresses of home maintenance to your friend who just lost their house in a fire. Or you wouldn’t complain about how tiring it is to train for a marathon, to your friend with disabilities impacting their mobility. These analogies might seem extreme to someone who has never experienced infertility, but it can be truly soul-crushing to feel like someone else doesn’t even appreciate what you want to experience so badly.

What to say instead: “You would be such a great parent, I really hope this works out for you.”

All you can really offer is hope, and steer clear of toxic positivity. Be present in the hard times with them, and acknowledge the grief they must be feeling when their dream of parenthood feels so unattainable.

“I know how you feel; we tried for [insert very short amount of time] before we got pregnant.”

It is so aggravating when people seem to want to “cosplay” infertility with people actually experiencing it. I promise you, this is not a special club that any of us wants to be in. Although I do remember being disappointed the first few months my husband and I were “trying” with no success, it is nothing compared to the crushing disappointment of months 13, 14, 15, or an actual pregnancy loss.

What to say instead: “I’m sorry you are going through this; my heart goes out to you.”

Now is the time to offer empathy, not to make the conversation about you. If you actually did struggle with infertility, you may consider saying something like “when you’re ready, I’d be happy to share my infertility experience with you.”

It’s not really about saying the right thing—it’s about showing up.

After my first embryo transfer ended in an early pregnancy loss, one of my friends didn’t try to explain it away or search for the perfect words. She simply had dinner delivered to our house. I don’t remember exactly what she texted me, but I do remember how supported I felt. That’s what people going through IVF need most: not perfect advice, guarantees, or optimism for optimism’s sake. Just people willing to sit with them in the uncertainty and remind them they aren’t carrying it alone.