8 Things I Remind Myself When Working Mom Guilt Creeps In

Before I went back to work after maternity leave, I knew it was going to be hard. What I didn’t fully anticipate was how often I would question decisions that I had felt completely confident about before becoming a mom, and the working mom guilt associated with them.

I’ve always loved working. I co-own a business I’m incredibly proud of, I’ve worked hard to build a career that gives me a lot of flexibility, and I genuinely enjoy what I do. Before having my son, I never questioned whether I would go back to work.

Then I had him. Suddenly, dropping him off at daycare so I could sit at my computer felt completely different than it had when it was just a hypothetical plan on a calendar. I missed him. I worried about whether he was sleeping enough, drinking enough milk, or wondering where I was. And on particularly hard days, I found myself wondering why I was choosing to spend any time away from this little person I wanted so badly.

I don’t think I’ve figured out how to eliminate working mom guilt, and I’m not sure that’s a realistic goal anyway. But I have gotten better at recognizing it for what it is instead of automatically treating it as evidence that I’m doing something wrong.

These are the eight things I remind myself when working mom guilt starts creeping in.

1. Moms are allowed to have careers, too.

Many women have the same realization after becoming a working mom: no one seems particularly surprised that our husbands go to work every day. Nobody asks him how he can stand being away from our baby, or assumes that becoming a dad should have completely changed the way he feels about his career.

Becoming a mom doesn’t mean I suddenly stopped being ambitious, interested in my work, or proud of the business I’ve built either. I can miss my son while I’m working and still value my career. I can wish I had more hours with him and still enjoy the hours I spend doing something I’m good at. (Those things aren’t mutually exclusive!) Motherhood has added an enormous new part to my identity, but it didn’t require me to erase everything that was already there.

2. There’s nothing wrong with admitting I enjoy earning money.

This one feels weirdly vulnerable to admit, which is probably exactly why I want to say it: I like making money.  I’ve been working basically full-time since I was 15 years old. I started out making $8 an hour working the drive-thru at McDonald’s, and today I earn more than I ever imagined I would back then. I’m deeply proud of that.

Simply put, my husband and I have expensive dreams for our family. We want to give our son experiences and opportunities. We have plans to build a custom “forever home” someday, in our favorite place in the world, Lake Tahoe. We want financial security and flexibility. My income directly contributes to making these things possible, and I shouldn’t have to pretend that part doesn’t matter now that I’m a mom.

3. I’m definitely not the first mom to ever feel this way.

Being a working mom can feel incredibly isolating when you’re in the middle of a hard day…Until I talk to other women going through the exact same thing. I’ve found so much comfort in reaching out to friends who have already gone through the transition back to work, or are going through it right alongside me. Hearing about their difficult daycare drop-offs, pumping schedules, chaotic mornings, career wins, sick days, and tiny victories reminds me that none of this is uniquely impossible.

Millions of moms have figured out their own version of this before me: Not because leaving their babies was easy or because they cared less than I do, but because humans are capable of holding a lot of complicated feelings at the same time. I don’t need someone to “solve” the guilt for me. I just need another mom who I love and respect to say, “Yep. Me too.”

4. Daycare can be good for my baby.

I originally thought of daycare mostly as something we needed because I had to work. It didn’t take long for me to realize that my son was getting something out of it, too. Almost immediately, I noticed him watching the other babies and trying new things. He became more interested in sitting up and seemed increasingly comfortable being cared for by trusted adults (other than just me and my husband).

He gets to spend his days in a different environment, watching other babies play and move, interacting with caregivers who genuinely enjoy him, and experiencing things I couldn’t necessarily recreate at home. That doesn’t mean I think babies need daycare to develop well, or that daycare is inherently better than being home with a parent. It just helps to understand that daycare doesn’t have to be something my son simply tolerates so that I can work. It can be a positive part of his little life, too.

5. It hasn’t changed the special bond I have with my son.

This was probably one of my biggest emotional fears about starting daycare, even if I didn’t always say it out loud: What if he became just as attached to his caregivers? What if spending so much time away from me somehow changed what we had? 

So far, I’ve experienced the opposite. His caregivers are wonderful, and I’m genuinely grateful that there are more people in his life who care about him. (The other day I was so proud when one of the daycare ladies said my son gives the best baby hugs.) But my husband and I are still very clearly his favorite people. I feel it in the way his whole body relaxes against mine when I pick him up. I see it in the huge smile he has when my husband gets home from work. And I’ve realized that feeling safe with us is part of what allows him to feel safe with other trusted people, too. The people who care for my son while I work aren’t replacing us; they’re becoming part of the larger circle of people who get to love him.

6. It’s okay to use daycare time for things other than work.

This is one I’m still actively working on. Because we’re paying for (a very expensive) daycare so that I can work, I sometimes feel like every minute he’s there needs to be spent doing something objectively productive:

• Client work? Acceptable.
• Laundry between meetings? Fine.
• But a long lunch? A workout? Running an errand by myself? Sitting outside with the dog for ten minutes? God forbid, a nap for mama? Suddenly I feel like I need to justify why my baby is at daycare.

But daycare isn’t an hourly invoice I have to repay with an equivalent amount of profitability. Taking care of myself matters. Sometimes using 30 minutes of childcare to exercise means I’m happier and more present when I pick my son up. Sometimes getting an errand done alone means I don’t have to drag him along on Saturday when we could be spending that time together playing instead. Sometimes I am genuinely exhausted and lying down for a little while is the most useful thing I can do. I’m allowed to use the support available to me without maximizing every second of it.

7. Working remotely doesn’t mean I can work while taking care of my baby.

I’ve been surprised by how many people have asked some version of, “Why does he need daycare if you work from home?”

Because I’m…working?

I love the flexibility that comes with working remotely, but being physically inside my house doesn’t mean I’m available to provide full-time childcare. My work requires concentration. I spend hours designing graphics, writing technical narratives, communicating with clients, reviewing detailed documents, and meeting tight deadlines. My baby requires (and deserves) supervision, interaction, feeding, naps, diaper changes, and attention. Trying to do both simultaneously would mean half-assing two things that are incredibly important to me. I’ve had days when my son needed to stay home with me unexpectedly, and instead of feeling like I’ve somehow hacked working motherhood, I usually end the day feeling anxious and guilty. I’m distracted from work because I’m taking care of him, and distracted from him because I’m thinking about everything I need to get done. 

Maybe there are moms with jobs or babies that make that arrangement possible. Mine don’t…and that’s okay. Working from home certainly gives me some incredible benefits as a mom. It lets me spend more time with my son every morning, I don’t have a commute eating into our evenings, I can pump comfortably (and privately) at home, and I’m only a few minutes away if daycare needs me. But remote work is still work. Using childcare during those hours isn’t a failure to take advantage of my flexibility; it’s what allows me to actually do my job.

8. Working mom guilt isn’t proof that I’m doing something wrong.

I’m still very new to this. There are mornings when daycare drop-off feels completely routine, and others when I drive home with tears in my eyes, wishing I could turn around and bring my baby back with me. There are afternoons when I’m absorbed in work and grateful to be using that part of my brain again, followed by afternoons when I check the daycare app every six minutes. 

I’m learning that neither feeling needs to “mean” anything bigger. Missing my son doesn’t mean daycare is wrong for our family, and enjoying my work doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with him. I used to think that someday I would feel completely confident about all of it: to drop him off without a second thought, work a full day, and somehow stop feeling pulled in two directions…but I’m honestly not sure if that’s possible. I care deeply about my work, but I care infinitely more about my son, so of course figuring out how those two parts of my life fit together is going to feel complicated sometimes.

So when the guilt shows up, I’m trying to stop asking myself how to make it disappear. Instead, I remind myself that I can love being his mom, miss him terribly, value my career, enjoy earning money, appreciate our childcare, and still wish I had more time with him. All of those things can be true at once.

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