IVF Changed the Way I Think About Motherhood

Before infertility, I thought motherhood began when you got pregnant…but then I spent years trying to become a mom. I pictured motherhood starting with a positive pregnancy test, a growing belly, and eventually bringing our baby home from the hospital. Instead, my journey began with negative pregnancy tests month after month, fertility appointments, countless painful injections, grief, and learning how little control we actually have over the things we want most.

IVF didn’t just change how I became a mother; it changed how I think about motherhood itself.

During My IVF Journey

Life is even more of a miracle than we think.

Before trying to conceive, I definitely took for granted that we would just be able to get pregnant when we wanted to. With all of the very complex steps involved in the IVF process, it made me realize that creating a human life is even more precious than I ever imagined. So many tiny little miracles need to line up perfectly and happen simultaneously to create life, and I have an even greater appreciation for that now. Seeing a photo of our microscopic embryo just before transfer, to now physically holding that same baby in my arms, is almost unfathomable.

Infertility simply isn’t fair.

When you are in the trenches of infertility, it is hard not to feel deeply envious of couples who get pregnant so easily (even when you are genuinely happy for them). It stings even worse when you hear about couples getting pregnant who didn’t even want to, when that’s what you want most in the world. Eventually I realized that constantly asking the world “why not me?” never made the feelings of jealousy any easier—it only made me feel bad about myself. Expecting life to be fair only leads to more frustration, and we just need to focus on gratitude for the blessings we do have.

After Finally Becoming a Mom

I was meant to be this specific baby’s mom.

I have a hard time articulating this one, and it might sound too “woo woo” for most, but I’ll give it a shot. I truly believe that I had to wait so long to become a mom because I was specifically meant to be my baby boy’s mom. His sweet little soul wasn’t quite ready to meet us yet in the years we were trying to conceive, but he was finally ready when his embryo was created in the IVF lab. I feel more connected to him than I ever thought possible. The first time I saw his goofy little smile, I suddenly felt like I had known him my whole life.

I 100% chose the right life partner and co-parent.

When I got my Diminished Ovarian Reserve (DOR) diagnosis, my second-biggest fear (the first being never becoming a mom) was that it would ruin my marriage. Instead, my husband and I have become closer than ever on our journey to parenthood. I don’t think I quite understood or appreciated his unconditional love for me until he consistently remained my steady support through IVF, miscarriage, pregnancy, unplanned C-section, and now raising our son together. This man learned how to do dozens of high-stakes IVF injections, flew home in the middle of a business trip when I found out our first embryo transfer was unsuccessful, and kept me calm through my C-section when we were both so scared.

As I Continue to Grow in Motherhood

I have no doubts about how bad I wanted this, but I am still allowed to have a hard time.

It’s no secret that having a baby is tough. But since we had such a difficult journey to become parents, and at one point were even told by a doctor it wouldn’t be possible, I felt like I wasn’t able to express anything but gratitude. Working through these feelings with my therapist helped me realize that I can still be incredibly grateful for my son and for the experience of motherhood, while sometimes feeling overwhelmed just like any other new parent would.

Having a baby doesn’t “cure” the trauma of infertility and loss.

I naively thought that if I ever got to become a mom, I would quickly recover from the trauma of infertility and miscarriage. I finally have my beautiful baby boy, yet I still grieve the baby we never got to meet, and it still stings when I hear someone got pregnant on their first try. Rather than fight these feelings, I have learned to accept them as part of my journey, without letting them negatively affect my cherished experience as a mom.

I’m not any less of a mom just because my journey was different.

I have experienced “imposter syndrome” for almost every good part of my life: having a wonderful husband, managing a successful business, being in good shape…and I sometimes notice that icky feeling creeping into my identity as a mom as well. I make a conscious effort to remind myself that needing significant medical intervention to get (and stay) pregnant, and needing a C-section to safely deliver my son, doesn’t make me any less of a mom than someone who was able to conceive spontaneously and have a vaginal birth. If you’re a mom who is feeling “less than,” you are not alone, and you are enough.

I wouldn’t choose infertility, IVF, or pregnancy loss, but those experiences shaped the mother I am today.

If I could go back in time and talk to my past self sitting in the IVF clinic, recovering from a miscarriage, and wondering if motherhood would ever happen for me, I would tell her to keep going…because one day I would be rocking my son to sleep, kissing his tiny nose, and feeling grateful for everyday moments I once dreamed of. I didn’t know it yet, but I was already transforming into the mom I am today.